Steve's personal story

Good Day.

Where to start?

I married my 2nd wife in 2005 after a miserable and abusive 1st marriage. I was certain that this new woman would never speak down to me or hurt me in any way. Boy was I wrong. The abuse started and I did not even recognise it.

Within the 1st year of marriage I lost my job and had a hard time finding gainful employment in my field. I took myself back to school and did whatever I could to contribute to the household bills. That is when her drinking increased and the words of anger and just downright rude and mean started. Then my family was excluded from virtually anything we were accustomed to. Her mother moved in because she could not afford her bills so we decided to help her for 6 months which turned into 7 years.

In those 7 years her drinking got worse now that she had someone to drink with all the time. The 1st physical assault was witnessed by her mother while my 7 year old son was asleep upstairs, I would have left that night if it would not have been for my son sleeping. Her own mother even tried to stop her. She said that she was sorry and it would never happen again.

The next time after a verbal argument I handed her my wedding ring and said I cannot do this, and she threw it across the street and told me to leave “her” house. Me being stubborn refused to leave the home that we purchased together, so I stayed like a fool.

The next time occurred after I was not home drinking with her, I was 2 houses away and just got back from a 4 wheeler ride with my friend and he saw my dog running up the street and my ex-wife was in tow she entered his driveway came right up to me took a swing at my head and kicked me in the balls. When I went home that night she once again came after me at the door. I slept in the shed.

Another time she came after me and I slept in my truck parked in the back of our property.

I was assaulted again in 2012 about 2 months after shoulder surgery and I tried to restrain her and when I say restrain I sincerely mean restrain her. Her mother came down and saw we restraining her daughter and called the police. Subsequently I was arrested and charged with simple assault. However I was the one with cuts and bruises all over my face. The charges were later dismissed. We talked and both firmly believed that with the presence of her mother and her overstaying her welcome, remember it was supposed to be 6 months it was over 6 years that our relationship is suffering because we could not get the quality time alone that a couple needs. We agreed to tell her mother that she needs to move out gave her 30 days and about 45 days she left only to return inside of 30 days. She was there another 60 days and I have had enough I told her mother that she has another week to be gone when I return from my trip if she is not I will be changing the locks on the house. From that point on it got even worse. Maybe I didn’t realise that the mother ran interference for me.

Now that she was gone her drinking increased her insecurities worsened and the verbal and physical assaults became more frequent and more violent. She even said to me after the last assault that she does not know why she does what she does to me, because if it weren’t for me we would not have the beautiful house a brand new car luxury vacations and everything that goes along with a well over 6 figure income provides.

This is when it gets really good.

We go on our 2nd vacation to Aruba with another couple and our 2nd night there my clothes end up in the hall of the resort and locked out of the room that is actually a friend of mine. At the end of the trip she once again gets combative and abusive and even throws a beverage on me. I told her that I agree with her that this relationship is toxic and we shouldn’t be together and when we get home we should split. Thanksgiving week 2014 I had a multi-level spinal fusion. I was recovering well at home with no issues. In January 2015 I was watching the playoff football Saturday night game the Steelers VS? she came out of the bedroom after being passed out for 3 hours and attacked me. Keep in mind that I am in a removable body cast and cannot lift over 5 pounds and no bending at the waist. Somehow I thwarted her attack and got away from her and retreated to an upstairs bedroom and barricaded myself in another room. I assessed my injuries and contacted the police. They came to the house and I am being interrogated by them and made to feel like I was the aggressor as I am bleeding from the lips and have scratches all over my face. They finally arrest and charge her and I file a TRO. I had the locks on my home changed and went to court for the charges against her and all they did was read them on to record that night. Some time passed and we spoke I dropped the TRO and criminal charges. In February she came after me again. Once again I file a TRO and she convinces me to drop it so it will not affect her nursing license.

In September 2015 she is upset with me because I had to go to work on my day off and I had a few doctor’s appointments scheduled due to re-injuring my back and am looking at a strong possibility of a 3rd back surgery. She started getting enraged and argumentative and I said look I need to go before I get the shit kicked out of me again and walked out the door. As I was getting to my car she came flying out the door and attempted to enter my car as I try and drive off she picks up handfuls of driveway stones and goes to throw them at my brand new car. I managed to escape unharmed. Immediately my phone starts ringing, now that I am safe I said THAT'S IT I AM DONE I WAN'T A DIVORCE I WILL NEVER LET ANYONE COME AT ME IN AN AGGRESSIVE MANNER EVER AGAIN!! Later that day she texts me and says we need to talk. I said I am at the doctor’s and there is nothing to talk about. I said I will be coming by with the police to get some personal belongings she said that just let her know when I am coming and she will leave so we did not have to involve the police. So I packed everything I could into my car that I could and left. I came back the next day to get more. The following week I got the rest of my stuff that I could fit into my truck and what I couldn’t I locked in my outdoor detached garage and let her know when I would be back for them. Another week came and I got most of my stuff from the garage. A few days later she really had the balls to text me and ask where did we go wrong? Seriously I did not want to respond. So I put it all out there and let her know. A few more weeks go by and I texted her to let her know that I was coming for the rest go my belongings in the garage. She did not respond and I went there with 2 others to retrieve what was left. When I was finished I texted her to let her know that I got the rest and have no need to come back, but if she comes across anything of mine to please put it all aside for me and I will get it at a later date. I still have not heard from her.

I file for divorce in October and she never responds to the summons. I go to court in February to get it finalised since she never responded and I get served with a TRO from October for criminal mischief for removing my belongings from the garage. My divorce was granted uncontested and returned a week later and the TRO was dismissed because it did meet the definition of criminal mischief as defined by the State Of NJ. As I am leaving the courtroom her mother jumps in my face and states that this isn’t over you mother fucker. I said to the judge do I really have to be harassed in your courtroom by her mother. He said Mr. May you are not being harassed just leave.

In short to recap what I can remember I was assaulted 20 times over 10 years and not sure if I felt more victimised by her or the police and the court system. Keep in mind she filed a TRO in October and I didn’t get served until February.

There are few resources for men and the police and courts really need some sensitivity training for dealing with male victims of DV. There is nowhere to go in Southern New Jersey for men for help or advice. I would really like to start something here for men.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you want more information.