Jessica's personal story
I am not a male. I am a female who has been physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive to my husband.
In arguments, I would provoke him until he was raging and screaming in my face. Then I would snap and start punching, scratching, and/or kicking him. I would do that so I could stretch the truth to say that what I did was self-defence and to justify my actions. I would know that neighbours would be able to hear him yelling, and me screaming. I knew that I could get him into trouble if I wanted to.
One day. he did get into trouble. I was pregnant, but it didn't stop me from jumping on him and beating him. He went through almost 3 hours of it before he snapped and put his hands on my throat and said that if I didn't sign divorce papers, he would kill me. He only put his hands on my throat for about 3 seconds, and he was honestly holding back, not trying to strangle me. When the police arrived, he lied for me and said that nothing happened, I told the police officer everything, except what I did. I had beaten his head on the floor to the point that he almost lost consciousness, yet he was the one that got taken away in the back of the police car.
He insists on staying with me, even after that and many other incidents. I've honestly lost count. I've told him hundreds of times that he should leave me or have attempted to turn myself in to the police, but he won't let me. Because he wouldn't leave me, I tried to push him to leave me by making his life a living hell- but he still wouldn't.
In the past 5 years of us being together, the frequency of the physical assault has reduced drastically. (It always happened in a cycle, it wouldn't happen for a few weeks, then would happen about 3 times in one week).
It still happens occasionally but he has changed. He no longer just takes it, he gives it back to me. I have accepted that as a consequence of the abuse and trauma that I have put him through. He never used to be an angry or violent person, but the abuse has changed him. Knowing that he will defend himself and retaliate physically has honestly helped me to stop initiating violence towards him.
The abuse is no longer physical now, it has become emotional and verbal. I sometimes feel so much hatred and anger towards him that it scares me and I don't know how to process it and how to stop hurting him.
I have tried several times to see a therapist to get help with my anger, but the therapists always have the perspective that I'm a victim and he is controlling. He doesn't restrict who I talk to because he is abusive or controlling. He is doing it as damage control, to try to protect himself.
The times in the past when I have run to neighbours, or called his mother, or told things to friends are burnt into his memory. And he doesn't trust me. I respect that and have to regain his trust and help him to heal.
If I were him, I would have divorced myself a long time ago.