Charlotte's story
I am the wife of a domestic violence victim, a male who I married recently but was previously in a 15 year marriage filled with domestic violence. This man opened up to me about his unhappiness roughly 4 years ago when we were just friends, but I have learned over the past two years, since he built up the courage to leave her, just how much emotional, physical and financial abuse he was subjected to.
I will start by mentioning that I am writing this because he is still ASHAMED, EMBARRASSED and still being FINANCIALLY ABUSED.
Financial abuse is not spoken about enough. Not only did she use finances to manipulate him, but she used it to get back at him if she wasn't happy with him doing something. An example of this is he went to a family function that she could not attend, therefore she blew their $2500 of savings while he was gone. She also had 100% control over the money that he earned (she did not work) and did not allow him to spend any of his own money.
Physical abuse… how does a 6'8 male make a case against a 6'0 female? That is what my husband told himself, and continues to tell himself. He would never dream of laying a finger on another person, he is far too gentle, but she told him that if he tried to tell anyone about the abuse she would harm herself, and claim that he abuses HER! She held him against the wall by the throat and pushed her thumbs into his windpipe until he passed out or was on the verge. She punched him in the leg and slapped him across the face, both in public and private, if he contradicted her or didn't do what she wanted. She pulled him away from his family when they spoke up, so they stopped, in order to keep him in their life. She threw a knife at his head towards the end, because he knocked a plate. He managed to bring his arm up in time for the knife to wedge itself into his forearm instead of his forehead. This is just the abuse that I have managed to squeeze out of a man who wants to shelter me from the nitty gritty details of his abuse.
Then there is the emotional abuse. I feel like this is a broad area which my husband was greatly affected by. It ranges from her breaking his belongings when she was angry to her telling him that she speaks to his mother and sister in law daily, and they agree with her on whatever topic she was telling at him about. She pulled him away from his family, who live 4 hours from where he was living, and convinced him that they did not like him. She constantly commented that he is sexually inadequate, which has been a difficult one to overcome.
Now my husband and I were very close friends (no infidelity, I feel the need to point that out) when he started the process of leaving her, and we managed to find love once he was divorced. He now has a family and a daughter, he has love in his life. Not all men get this second chance. He was ready to take his own life on multiple occasions, because he was pulled away from his family and lead to believe that no one cared about him. He has admitted to me that he had accepted that his life was destined to be this miserable, and he could do nothing about it. He didn't think any professionals would take him seriously, as a woman abusing a man ‘must seem laughable’, he certainly couldn't pay someone for legal advice, and he didn't think anyone in his life cared enough for him to confide in them.
Domestic abuse against men is not spoken about enough, if at all, and it infuriates me. Men need just as much support as women.